Join the Call
What the call is:
It is an online support meeting much like those held in person but done from the comfort of your own home. You can choose to be on video or just audio and you don’t have to sign in with your real name. It takes time for some people to feel comfortable with others, even (or especially) strangers, knowing their status. By joining the call you are agreeing to keep all identities and stories confidential.
Calls are held monthly as a safe space to share your story, hear the experiences of others, ask questions, vent to people that understand, get some advice, and hopefully gain confidence. I will offer advice on disclosing your status to potential partners based on my own personal experience. Scroll down to see my story.
What the call is NOT:
This is NOT a resource for medical advice. I am not a doctor. I went to acting school. Though topics such as medication may come up as we share experiences, no one on the call is capable of advising any medical decisions. Consult your doctor for any medical questions you may have.
This is a community that will not tolerate shame, discrimination, or bullying of any kind. All calls are confidential and designed to be a safe space. By joining a support call you are agreeing to keep identities and any details discussed or shared confidential.
Fill out the form below to receive details for upcoming zoom calls.
The next call is being held on December 4th from 5:30- 6:30pm.
MY STORY
When I was diagnosed with HSV-2 (genital herpes) at the age of twenty I remember thinking… and crying... that I would never ever EVER date again. I already thought growing old as a crazy cat lady might be my destiny simply based on general dating experience in NYC (and the number of foster kittens I kept in my apt) but once I contracted herpes I KNEW I was doomed.
I received herpes from one of my very first sexual partners. I got it from someone I knew and trusted so not only was I dealing with the physical pain from 30+ sores in a very sensitive area, the classic flu like symptoms, the crazy soreness in my thighs and butt, the shame that comes from the immense stigma surrounding STDs, but also betrayal. It was a really dark time for me.
I felt alone, ashamed, I was extremely uncomfortable, and each time an outbreak started to clear up and I attempted to get back to things that made me feel better about myself like the gym another outbreak would occur. I did not tell anyone other than my mother and a close friend who were both subject to numerous emails at all hours of the night when I simply needed to vent about my pain or depression.
Once my health was a bit more under control I revisited the topic of dating. I eventually landed on the conclusion that if someone really got to know me they might overlook the whole STD thing but I had pretty much accepted that anything casual would never be on the table for me. It’s not that I was super interested in sleeping around but at the age of 20/21 the idea of someone only wanting to date me if it was really serious felt confining and daunting.
After doing some research I discovered a dating app for people with STDs and I was over the moon excited… until I actually started swiping. No, no, nooo, ABSOLUTELY not. Then I found Dave (not his real name but for the purpose of this story we will go with that). He was attractive, in great shape, had about a MILLION red flags, big BIG red flags that I won’t mention here, but more importantly he also had HSV-2 so we decided to give it a shot. We dated for about six months. Every other week I would take a two hour train ride to visit him at his dad’s house where he still lived and the other weeks I would pay for him to come see me in the city…because clearly no one in all of NYC would date me so I had to import a boyfriend from Connecticut. Reasonable. Generally speaking he was a nice guy but we had absolutely nothing in common. I ended up leaving him to go live in LA for a few months. BEST. DECISION. EVER.
Once I got to LA, I made a promise to myself that I would never settle because of a skin condition again. After all, that’s truly what herpes is. I decided to do a little experiment (which literally was not an experiment at all but calling it that gave me the courage I needed at the time to start having “the talk”). I went to the regular dating apps and started going on dates. A lot of dates. With each guy I either told them on the first or third date that I have herpes and then left the ball in their court to see if they asked me out again. I am not exaggerating when I say I was astonished by the results! As it turns out, herpes really didn’t and still doesn’t have much effect on my dating/love/sex life. Yes, there is the occasional asshole or the means well time waster that simply can’t get over it but in general I have had an extremely positive experience telling people that I have herpes.
The talk got easier and easier over time and it will for you too! After the last several years of dating with herpes I like to think I have pretty well mastered bringing it up and disclosing all the necessary information. I have come SO far from feeling tainted and all alone to being super open about my status. I have helped friends and friends of friends with different STDs navigate the world of dating and disclosing it to potential partners which is why I started this site. It is here for you as a tool, resource, and most importantly a community for you to connect with and realize that you are not alone and that an STD does not define any part of who you are or how worthy you are of acceptance and love.